Who Am I ?
Wednesday, November 26, 2014 | 4:38 AM |
0 candies
After being rehab for a while, there's a few questions lingering on my mind. It bother me somehow. I might look like stupid if i tell you i ask myself " who am i? "
I might been seing as a capable person since i haven't show any emotions in front of people. People can't tell wether im mad, sad or happy. I act like a fool smiling infront of them. But deep inside me, its all ruined! The more i try to fix the more disaster i gained. I don't know if what im doing right now is good for me or not.
I'm not a successful person. What's good about trying harder to put my life in a better track and survive with money. I'm a stupid right? Am I a bad person?
Am I living recklessly? Do you know what type a person I am? I mean do you know the 'real me' ?
I am the type of person whom keep doing everything I can do to survive! Even im not a clever person, i forced myself continuing STPM while my friends having their Diplomas. Because of what? Because of talent! I dont have any talent! I can't draw, I can't sew, I can't do house chores, I can't cook well. I can't even do sports. And the biggest things that slaps me back is, even though i try hard doing my best, i don't have any support from my parents. Cause i am a GIRL. They said there's nothing to be worried about my future cause one day they said I'll be married and someone will taking care of me.
Why so sudden? i know its for my own sake. But what the hell all of this about? Do they even know why im trying so hard to achive my dream? Don't they should now what the reason after all?
Mungkin salah aku, tak beri penjelasan yang terang. Mungkin semua meragui kebolehan aku. Mungkin mereka tak percayakan aku. Mungkin mereka memang tidak mengharapkan apa-apa dari aku? Untuk kebaikan aku sendiri? Tak make sense langsung!
Tahu tak kenapa aku macam orang gila, macam orang bodoh berhempas pulas kejar masa depan selagi boleh? Tahu tak kenapa aku beriya-riya nak belajar separuh mati semata-mata sebab nak dapatkan pekerjaan yang bagus? Yang boleh sara hidup aku, yang boleh senang kan aku...
Sebab aku tak percayakan orang lain selain diri aku. Aku tak nak bergantung hidup dengan orang lain. Sebab aku sendiri tak pasti sama ada aku diterima dalam hidup orang itu. Sebab aku terlalu tak sempurna untuk dimiliki. Sebab aku memang takkan mengharap benda-benda macam tu jadi kenyataan. Tapi sebab apa aku hidup macam org yg ada harapan? Sebab apa aku buat mcm aku ni mengharap sangat kehadiran orang macam tu dalam hidup aku?
Sebab cuma itu je cara aku nak puaskan hati aku. Sebab dengan cara tu je dapat meleka kan aku. Sebab cara macam tu je yg dpt aku buat untuk hargai diri aku sendiri. Sekarang ni aku nampak macam manusia terdesak ke?